Why Do I Feel Like a Burden
Nobody wants to be a burden. In some ways, it’s the worst label you can slap on yourself - laden with feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and anxiety. But all human beings need emotional support and connection – without exception. If you’re interested in therapy in Orlando, we can offer a place to share your burdens guilt-free.
In this article, we explore why sharing our emotions can trigger us to automatically feel as if we are burdening those around us. So why do we feel so guilty about sharing our burdens and our struggles with others? The short answer: biology.
Mirror neurons and neuroception, to be exact. Mirror neurons are the brain cells that react when we observe feelings or reactions in others - they allow us to feel empathy and respond quickly to threats that someone else may have noticed first. Neuroception is a term coined by Stephen Porges PhD, that describes the process by which our body gathers information from both our internal and external environment. In other words, our bodies are biologically designed to pick up on signs of danger, upset, or disconnection in other people. Why does that matter?
Imagine you start venting and crying at work while your friend and coworker stands rigidly, eyes darting in every direction, saying she really has a phone meeting she needs to get to in the next few minutes. Your body will be scanning her body for signs. Your body will let you know that she appears uncomfortable and anxious.
What your body can’t tell you is WHY - that is the brain’s job. Your body tells you what is happening. Your brain tells you why it’s happening, what it means, and what will happen next.
Here’s where the moment takes a darker turn. “She is uncomfortable and anxious,” says the body. “It’s because you’re a blubbering idiot who can’t keep her shit together… God you’re such a mess! She obviously can’t stand you,” says the brain. Ouch! Harsh. From there, you’re likely to feel a wave of shame, guilt, and anxiety wash over you. These feelings will give your body the signal to pull yourself together and tuck those feelings back in, where no one can see them. And voila, the guilt leads to another brain story: “I am a burden to my friend.”
So let’s back up a little. Your body knew she was anxious. Your brain gave you a story (an automatic explanation), but where did it come from? The short answer: your past. Your brain likes to repeat familiar explanations. It has favorites, the same way you have a favorite food, or you always put your shoes on in the same order. Your brain is a creature of habit.
In reality, I can come up with at least 4 other explanations for what your body picked up on in your friend’s reaction (that have nothing to do with you).
She gets uncomfortable when people are emotional because it triggers feelings of helplessness and panic for her. She doesn’t know what to do or how to help, so she typically tries to exit as quickly as possible.
She is feeling anxious about the possibility of other (less compassionate) coworkers seeing you and judging you too harshly, so her reaction is about protecting you by trying to help you pack it back in as quickly as possible before anyone else sees.
She has her own history of dealing with volatile and emotional people. When she was younger, when her mom would get overly emotional, it wasn’t long before the tears turned to rage and she was breaking things in the house. Your emotional display takes her back to her own scarier times.
She is actually just nervous about being late for the phone meeting and perhaps worried about getting in trouble with a client or the boss.
Notice all of these explanations still acknowledge the truth of what your body picked up on. She was anxious and uncomfortable. Your body knows it. But would you still be feeling the wave of shame and worthlessness if your brain had offered you one of these automatic explanations instead? Maybe, maybe not.
If this experience sounds familiar, it’s time to start looking at your automatic explanations. What stories is your mind feeding you? How does it feel to just take those explanations as gospel, without question? What other possible explanations are there? The unfortunate truth is that you’ll never really know why she was anxious, just that she was. In order for you to know why:
You’d have to actually ask your friend.
She’d have to have enough self-awareness and insight to know why she reacted the way she did.
She’d have to feel comfortable enough with you to be completely transparent about it.
Without all that, it’s really just your brain’s best guess (which is really just a habit). In short, “I’m a burden” is just a story you tell yourself to explain something you feel. Either way, there’s power in the stories you tell yourself and how fiercely you believe them. Cognitive behavioral therapy in Orlando can be a great place to sort through what stories you’ve been telling yourself and tools to manage them differently. You don’t have to be at the mercy of that harsh inner critic.
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma, please reach out. We offer CBT Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit.
