How to Vent Without Being a Burden
You don’t share with people in your life about how you’re really doing because you don’t want to be a burden. "Nobody wants to hear that. People have enough problems of their own.” Sound familiar? We hear it all the time.
Funny story - some people actually like listening to other people’s problems and I’m not just talking about therapists either. In fact, some people find a lot of meaning in offering emotional support to others. It’s not always a selfless act, however, as some people find focusing on other people’s problems offers a welcome distraction from their own. That’s right - focusing on you might be a welcome escape for someone in your life. So this whole story about you being a burden, your mind just came up with that. While there may certainly be people in your life who don’t have the emotional bandwidth to offer you support, you might be surprised to find there’s a few who do.
Now, let’s look at this idea of “being a burden.” First of all, to share a burden with someone is not the same thing as being a burden. If you need space to share and you’re worried about being a burden, we offer therapy in Orlando as a safe space to let it all out. I’d like to invite you to just notice how your mind takes a single behavior, like sharing with a friend, and turns it into a character flaw. Here’s a few other common ones we see quite a lot of:
“I expressed an emotion” becomes “I’m weak.”
“I made a mistake” becomes “I’m a failure.”
“I got dumped” becomes “I’m unloveable.”
In this article, we’ll explore strategies for sharing your emotional pains and struggles in ways that are least likely to burden others. We all want to avoid being seen as annoying, overly negative, needy, or otherwise unpleasant to be around. Here are some tips and tricks for getting emotional support without driving people away.
1) Ask for permission.
One of our most common offenses when seeking emotional support is to dump our stuff on an unsuspecting person. A friend sees your name pop up on her phone. She’s excited to tell you about the new yoga class she’s been attending. She answers and you immediately launch into a 20 minute rant about how everything is a disaster for you lately.
Instead, if you’re having a tough time, consider asking a few friends if they have space for it, before automatically dumping on them. Talk to your closest friends about how you feel badly about dumping on them and come up with a code phrase you can use when one of you needs to vent. Send a text with your code phrase to ask permission from your closest peeps. My personal favorite: “Got room?”
Your friendship will feel stronger for it. It’s a sign of respect and trust when friends can ask before taking and be honest if they don’t have enough space for it. By sending out the signal, you give your friend the chance to say “Sure, I’m free now if you wanna chat?” or “Today is crazy, but I’m around this weekend. Are you free Saturday?” Our bodies like relationships that don’t take without asking and allow us to be honest about what we have to give.
2) Keep it balanced.
Our bodies naturally scan for something known as reciprocity in every interaction, but especially in close relationships. This means our body is paying attention to how equal things feel. How much am I talking versus listening to her talk? How often am I reaching out versus her reaching out to me? How often am I driving over to her side of town versus her coming to me? Our bodies like relationships that feel equal and balanced.
When you need to vent, be sure to pay attention to balance in the conversation. If you pay close attention to your body, you’ll likely notice a sign from your gut when it’s time to hand over the mic. Emotional support is a lot like orgasms, nobody likes a taker. Be sure to offer the other person the opportunity to share their own burdens as well. “Enough about me, what’s been going on with you lately?” You’ll be glad you did - this way you won’t leave the exchange feeling guilty for dominating the whole conversation.
3) Don’t be a pressure cooker
Sometimes when we’re venting, it can feel overly intense, or even a bit tiring for the other person. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a venting session with someone who’s hyped up, then you know it can feel a bit like drinking from a firehose. When this happens, listeners often check out, becoming a little dissociated in order to regulate their own system. This doesn’t mean you’re a burden, just that you may want to regulate yourself a bit before connecting.
The longer you go bottling things up, the more likely you are to feel really wound up going into any moment where you feel you have the opportunity to share. To keep from building up that pressure cooker, consider sharing smaller bits, more often. Letting the pressure out more often can keep you from getting to meltdown mode.
Pro tip: Take a few minutes to ground yourself and slow down your breathing before you head into a likely vent session. This will help down regulate your body and slow your thoughts so you don’t feel like a wall of words comes shooting out of you, the first chance you get.
4) Avoid information overload.
When you do share with someone, do you ever notice yourself getting a little carried away with unnecessary details and extra information? I invite you to notice if this may be happening because you’re feeling guilty and anxious about burdening someone. These feelings can make you want to get the words out as quickly as possible so you can get it over with and get out of the spotlight asap. This can backfire though because anxiety can also trigger us to experience racing thoughts. If this happens while you’re venting, you’re more likely to start spiraling off into every related topic, turning your vent session into an epic saga for your listener. It looks something like this.
Imagine you want to vent about feeling overwhelmed at work. But because you’re feeling guilty about venting and anxious to get it over with, you spiral off into talking about your boss and how he reminds you of your mom, why you can’t change jobs right now, the financial stress you’ve been going through and how you can’t afford to save for retirement, how you’re probably never going to retire, where you would retire if you were the kind of person who could retire at some point, how the current political climate is to blame for the economic crisis in our country, how social media really did a number on the last election… and so on. Are you tired yet? Your listener probably would be.
Information overload does two things: First, it can exhaust our listener leading them to start looking checked out, which only feeds the fear that you’re burdening them. Second, it keeps you from actually sharing about your emotional pain because you’re too busy sharing about everything else under the sun. Notice that nowhere in that tirade did I actually share “Work is so overwhelming right now. I just feel like there’s so much on my plate and the stakes feel so high. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. What if I fail?”
In short, try to share about “the meat” of it. What’s really bothering you? How are you really feeling about it? Stay focused, so you don’t overwhelm the other person and miss your opportunity to share something meaningful.
5) Give people the answer key.
People can get uncomfortable when we share our emotional pain if they don’t know what to do with it. Men are notorious for offering logistical solutions. “I’m frustrated with work” leads to “You should just quit and get a new job.” Women are known for relating and jumping on the bandwagon. “I’m frustrated with work” leads to “Oh my god me too, work has been the worst lately! You really deserve so much better, I can’t believe they treat you that way!” Neither of which might be what you need in the moment.
In reality, many of us are uncomfortable when others share because we want to help and we’re not exactly sure how to do that. You can make venting easier on your listeners by giving them the answer key ahead of time.
People can feel much more comfortable listening if they know ahead of time what’s expected of them. Preface a venting session by letting the other person know what you need.
“I just need to know I’m not crazy…”
“I need another set of eyes on this, am I missing something here?”
“I just need a witness. Can you just sit silently while I get this all out?”
6) Learn to let people support you.
We all know someone who sucks at accepting a compliment. Maybe it’s you. Someone tells you that you’ve done a great job on something and you brush it off or change the subject. Fun fact: there are just as many people who can’t accept empathy or compassion from others.
Here’s how to know if you are one of these people: Imagine you are heartbroken. Someone close to you walks up, tilts their head gently to the side, opens their arms to you, and gives you a look that says “I’m so sorry you’re hurting.” Do you:
Notice the sadness immediately well up full force, threatening to overwhelm you, as if their reaction has given your body permission to let it all out. Tears fill your eyes as you fall into their arms, burying your face in their shoulder as the tears flow. It feels like a release to let it all out. Or do you…
Immediately stiffen, feeling a choking sensation in your throat as your body literally stuffs the tears back down. Your chest gets tight and your face gets red. You have the urge to shake it off, blinking rapidly as you look away, and try to change the subject.
If you’re an “A” person, congrats, you receive empathy well. Your body knows how to let other people help you regulate and get back to baseline quickly.
If you’re a “B” person, you probably struggle with accepting compassion from others. Maybe it makes you feel weak. Maybe you don’t trust it. Maybe you don’t know what’s happening and your body has just gotten so good at shutting it down that it’s over and done with before you know what hit you. Either way, if you yearn for close connection, you’ve got to learn to accept empathy (from safe people). Learning to take in comfort when it’s offered can strengthen connections between you and the other person, making them feel valued and close to you. Shutting out empathy can have the opposite effect - leaving the other person feeling shut down or awkward.
If you need a hand working through these things, we offer therapy in Orlando and online throughout Florida that can help. Therapy can be a great space to practice these skills while getting honest feedback and guidance from someone you don’t have a personal relationship with. We’d be glad to help you learn to vent in healthy ways and get the most out of your supportive relationships.
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma, please reach out. We offer Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our CBT Therapists would be a good fit.
